Amanda Idleman
(Ephesians 4:26) says, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” This section of Scripture is a list giving the early believers instructions for Christian Living. The verses also highlight the need to be honest, not steal, work hard, avoid unwholesome talk, avoid anger, be kind, show compassion, and offer forgiveness. This is a beautiful list that helps us understand the Christian life that Jesus desires us to pursue. These words also offer wonderful advice on how to be a loving spouse. Anger, dishonesty, unkind words, rage, unforgiveness, and a lack of empathy all have the power to destroy our relationships. We need the power of the Holy Spirit at work in our life to live this way!
Is it okay then to wait until morning to work through your anger when conflict arises in your marriage?
Here are a few ideas on how to manage marriage conflict biblically:
1. Agree to Take a Time-out From the Argument
Sometimes you find yourself in a very heated dispute, and there can feel like there is no way out of this tense conversation. This can lead to conflict escalation and often does not lead to a good place. Yet, I have found that as the one who wants to hash things out, I need to know that we will take up the subject again and not just brush it off because it feels too hard to address.
A good way to de-escalate a conversation that has gotten your blood boiling is to choose together to table the topic until an agreed-upon time that you will revisit the conversation. A few tips to make sure this strategy is utilized in a helpful way include:
Communicate that you need a time-out. If you find yourself getting upset, choose a way that works for you to calmly state you need a break. Do not storm off.
Make time-outs short. To the point from Ephesians that we should not let the sun go down on our anger, we should not let these arguments drag on without resolving the issue. Our relationships are the most valuable thing we have in this life, and making sure we are living in unity with one another should be a top priority.
Take time to calm yourself down and come up with a new approach. Don’t use this time to fester on all the ways your spouse is wrong but take advantage of this break in the conversation to calm your mind and body so you can get back on the same page as your partner.
2. Focus on Improving Your Communication Skills
Cultivating positive communication skills in your marriage looks a lot like working to live out the fruits of the spirit. We have to practice these skills every day before conflict arises, so we are better able to de-escalate fights when they break out. Some useful phrases that can help you better express yourself in order to help diffuse tense conversations include using “I feel” statements, “I need to calm down” statements, “I am sorry” statements, and “I appreciate” statements.
When we make sure we are using “I” rather than “you” in a tough moment, it helps us avoid placing blame on our partner when we are trying to communicate about a situation that we are feeling concerned about. Blame statements and words like “always” or “never” can very quickly add flame to the fire.
Conflict is inevitable when merging the lives of two imperfect people, but being prepared for the best way to speak to one another when these situations arise can help us avoid allowing anger and bitterness to grow in our marriages. When we allow anger to grow, we give the Devil a foothold to slowly tear apart our homes.
