Katie J. Trent
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NIV) says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” This is a beautiful picture of what life looks like when we merge our unique gifts, talents, and ideas to work in tandem, with Jesus being the glue that binds us together and guides us along the path.
I want to provide you with a framework and some practical tools to help you begin to merge your different parenting styles. Let’s begin with the basics.
Do’s and Don’ts
When trying to merge parenting styles, you must start with some basic do’s and don’ts. These form the bumpers to keep you from landing in the gutter with your parenting. For example, how do you and your spouse feel about spanking? Time out? Taking things away? Natural consequences?
If one parent feels strongly about something, it’s best to honor that and find an alternative you can both agree on. Otherwise, it’s likely to cause problems in your marriage—and add unnecessary strain on your parenting.
Accepting that you’re going to approach things differently is important when merging your parenting styles. Don’t expect your spouse to parent exactly like you or for you to be just like your spouse. Recognize that your differences add value and enrich your children’s lives because you each bring something to the table they’ll benefit from.
Different Approaches – Parallel Paths
Once you have the basic do’s and don’ts in place and have accepted that you’re each going to parent a bit differently, it’s time for the big picture. The big picture means you know where you’re going, and you’re headed in the same direction. You don’t have to be walking the same path as your spouse, but you need to at least be on parallel paths heading in the same direction.
What do I mean by that? You’ve agreed on what you will and won’t do as parents (and given each other grace for those times you inevitably mess up). You have the same end goal (define what you want for your kids as they grow and how you plan to help them get there). You’ve created some general rules and expectations that you both agree on, so there’s less room for miscommunication. Then, you allow the grace and space to grow together as a family. And you keep coming back to the drawing board to evaluate and tweak the plan as you go. If a technique doesn’t seem to be working, don’t be afraid to reevaluate. If something you or your spouse does creates more conflict, chaos, or confusion, have the difficult conversation and explore alternative solutions.
One Last Piece of Advice
One of the most important things you can do when working on merging your parenting styles is to remember that you’re on the same team, fighting for the same goal. Don’t allow your parenting challenges to divide you. Always back your spouse up in front of your children, even if you disagree. The time and place for the conversation are best left until you’re alone and can get on the same page without creating an opportunity for your kids to pit you against each other. Merging your parenting styles isn’t easy, but it’s definitely worth it! Invest the time to grow together, and your family will flourish.
